by Suzanne Baran

The Devil card was face up in the deck, she said d over telephone lines late on a Tuesday night. She was a clairvoyant by trade, but used her ears to see. She fingered the diabolical card from her home or business in Nebraska or Utah; I didn’t know, nor did I care at the time.

My thoughts were consumed with why Satan was drawn first. To counteract this hellish symbol and possible connotation on my life, the next card up, she said, was the justice card. This card mitigates the devil card, she explained. The scales would be tipped in my favor; these next few years will be better. That's not saying much considering the last two years of my life--my brother and best friend's deaths--both buried in the same cemetery; the fall of the WTC, my ex-boyfriend's spontaneous marriage; being laid off; an electrical fire in my room; a stolen wallet and checkbook; breaking up with my other best friend; my self-destructive patterns; my Uncle Dave's disappearance; my kitten's untimely surgery... All things considered, though, throughout the rest of my life, I won't "stay down" she assured me. Or at least I won't be down on my luck for long...but the two years I was in the gutter must have been an extreme hyperbolism...She toyed with the third card, the cups. I took this to mean my life will be filled with something. But the cups were/are saturated with emotions. "Loyal people will surround you; you'll have good trustworthy friends." I didn't have quality friends?! I made a mental note of my close pals and a few negative ones popped into my head, mostly 30-year old burnt-out serial daters who forged bonds with me over many gin and tonics. A stranger pointed out what I feared but knew: they were drinking buddies, nothing more.

The fourth card was revealed -- a magician appeared. Her interpretation of the conjurer card--things will be better even if I can't change. I'm self-reliant, creative and my willpower will keep me going, she said. Associations with this card include specific industries like medical arts and sales work. Granted, I have a somewhat outgoing personality, but sales? That's stretching it. To validate this, she said, "You get along with everyone, even people you don't like so much. You think on your feet." She pulled another piece of my fate from the deck--the 8 of swords. A card which denotes emotional turmoil; I was tied up internally. 

Without elaborating, another card was chosen, this time a globe--"the world" card. "Things will come full circle, you'll proceed with the move to LA, because "you need change and life is passing you by--you were feeling like life was happening all around you, but YOU weren't happening." Her insight hit the mark this time.

It's a card of strength, she clarified, pointing to my inner resolve. Apparently, I
handled adversity and was tired of tapping inside myself since I seldom ask friends for assistance. "You often feel empty, like you are turning your back on people by not soliciting their help. You put yourself on the back burner and LA is a positive move," she reiterated. I tend to put off my goals, the voice intoned. She said I am an artistic sort, an image of me at a desk with my head down sprang to mind--this shows success in this need to propel forward; no longer waiting for change to come about. Her diagnosis: Stop hanging on to my love past. This will turn the wheels of time in the right direction--the future.

Hackneyed as it sounds, I had been dreaming of my ex weeks before his marriage. He pervaded my thoughts more than he did following our breakup. I tried to push these thoughts into a box called "past relationships" but they kept escaping my attempts at categorization, seeping through my conscious mind.

She then asked if I was clinging to anyone, and if so, whom? The question was abrupt and naked in context. I was being held back by my parents, I thought; precipitating guilty feelings for making the decision to leave them, so soon after my brother's death. I didn't want to fuel a desertion...Then she said she sees love all around me, that in the end they will support the move. They actually did.

Someone else was guiding me, her voice lifted and she said it was a male earth sign with the letter "J" who may or may not be on earth. I thought of Jeff, my brother, born under the earth-sign of Taurus. He always wanted to fly but felt trapped and dismissed thoughts of freedom. Death liberated him instead.

Someone is trying to re-enter my life, she said, changing channels again. Within the next two to three weeks this person will come back honestly wanting change; there will be apprehension on your part. You won't believe or want it at first blush. It's a fire sign male in LA, she surmised. The person is "more positive now," she assured me. She said this person is a male fire sign, leaning toward Sagittarius, and I instantly knew it was THE obsession of my 20s; this person was one only one who really got the best of me, and spit in my face.

I was had by him, and agonized over my powerlessness for years. I saw him tonight. I was nervous, shaky and flushed. I realize I wanted to get with him and leave--not wanting more but just simply leaving and forgetting or undoing what was done. Perhaps I just wanted to use him to get off, as he had done to me years ago. I simply didn't want to see that I was or could be attracted to him on a deeper level, non-sexual level. I'm still not completely convinced.

Back to the phone call, the letters B and T were shown to her, someone's first or last name--certainly male, she "ordained." This is someone I'll meet but the encounter will not guarantee further meetings, I silently inferred by her silence and eagerness to predict the next facet of my life's makeover. My time was up in NY, she said. Herein lies the proverbial fork in the road. The junction implied my choosing LA over NY.

This year is a type of rebirth for me, she said in a way, which sounded like the
conclusion of the reading, and a summation. I will have a different outlook and attitude, she ascertained. I was hitting walls in NY and a weight was lifted after I made my decision to move, she intoned.

"Life is turning right side up...around this time next year you will go back to school. You'll meet a guy and a new love will be around you." The guesstimate and optimistic prognosis lured me back into a state of wanting to believe, hoping to manifest my future through this nascent yet fleeting and unrealistic belief.

Skipping around the room of my life, she said my past prepared me, it was not meant to test me. "G-d prepares us." I heard the receiver say, "Your time is up, you can add cash to your ___ account, by pressing…" I hung up. Philosophy and prophecies for just $1.99/minute...Exactly how long was I on the phone?

Suzanne Baran is a financial journalist pursuing other creative opportunities in Los Angeles, CA. She writes poetry, personal essays and articles when she's not testing financial technology products.