His name was TJ. I met him in New York City at a poetry event of some sort, only I didn't know who he was or what his name was at the time. I heard about him from his blog, and from and old editor of mine at my first real print journalism job.

I entered the bar as he exited -- it was after a reading of some sort. I ended up contacting him years later in Los Angeles after reading his daily newsletter/blog. His writing stirred me. It was bold, inventive and suggestive. His opinions on politics and sex were most fascinating. He enjoyed reading erotica.

We began an email relationship which turned into a phone relationship. He was of Arab descent, I raised as an Orthodox Jew, but this is no Montague/Capulet tale.

In the summer of 2003, things got heated between us. Him, sending me a book no one believed in and said he was jobless, trying to sell it on the street. He sent me a copy and I sent it back so as not to cost him any possible sale. I believed in his work, I believed in him.

We had lots of phone sex, long conversations, and our dreamy romantic ways got the best of us.

I ended up buying a ticket to Colorado to see him.

It was disastrous, like a dream that dies before it comes to fruition, I saw him holding a poster that read, "I love you Baraness" at the airport. I wasn't ready for that kind of flagrant emotion.

What's worse, he didn't have anywhere to go that night and wasn't ready to invite the Jew to the Arab dad's place, so we slept in his dad's office on some shabby blanket. His attempts to be romantic -- waving the blanket in front of me, telling me his fantasies, gesturing with his hands at how happy he was to finally meet me -- were lost. I became cold and sad. I felt more alone that night than I ever have in years.

He tried being physical with me, back at some lady's house where he was staying. This surrogate grandma of sorts. She was more interesting to me than he was.

I just felt pity...

and she felt
and he fell

and I she left

and we never spoke again.

One day I checked my email and there was some note saying he'd gone to teach in China. I was happy for him.

Days ago, I received a note from a good friend who knew him. There is a business networking site we all belong to, and on TJ's page it said he died of a brain aneurysm.

Every day I say a meditative prayer for those who have passed. It goes like this:

I pray to bring forth Buddhahood from within my life, change my karma, and fulfill my wishes in the present and the future.
(Offer additional prayers here.)

I pray for my deceased relatives and for all those who have passed away, particularly for these individuals:
(Sound the bell continuously while offering prayers.)

I pray for peace throughout the world and the happiness of all humanity.