Aaggh... Long answer. And complicated answer. First, because I know, and knew at the time, so many victims. And almost none of them had really talked to anyone about the abuse because they felt ashamed, (or whatever it is we feel as victims that makes us feel like we wouldn't want anyone to know). So I felt pretty compelled to stand up and say, "I'll talk about it! I won't be ashamed. It doesn't make me a bad person. And it doesn't make you a bad person." I thought, I can go first. That drove me. I think I also didn't want to be the victim. I think I felt that if I could show this part of my life publicly, (and there are some very "embarrassing" reflections of me in the film) that that would give me a part of myself back--that that would be a personal reclamation of sorts. And that has, so far, really proven to be true. And also, I think there was a subconscious need (which I refer to in the film) to have a physical task to accomplish that involved deadlines, so that I wouldn't turn back once I got scared. That played a really important role, but I actually didn’t recognize that component until people pointed it out to me after the film was shot and edited.  

Well, first of all--thank you. It really is rewarding to hear that you felt all of those emotions as you watched. Making a film is such a leap of faith, so the fact that audiences have really come on the journey with me, with us, when they watch the film (and sometimes after) has been overwhelming--truly overwhelming and rewarding and, as I mentioned--validating. Because again, it means that I'm not alone. Whether people are victims of sexual abuse or not, when they "get it" emotionally, it is so validating to me in my journey. And I think it's been pretty overwhelming for my family as well to have people react so intensely and so warmly. When you've kept something a big secret for so long (26 years) because you thought people would judge you for it, and then you tell the secret, and they embrace and nurture you instead, it's really quite a shocker. And it inspires such faith in human kind. I have a new appreciation of people in general (something that had been broken by the abuse) and the generosity of strangers. In so many ways, the film has served as a literal reparation of the abuse. Amazing, isn’t it?

Do you know, as unbelievable as this sounds, I really just wanted to tell the truth when I started shooting the film. I hoped that that would be enough, because as you said, I had no clue what would happen. But I LOVE what has happened! Which is that, as the story unfolded inside the structure of the film, you were able to see different reactions to the abuse and to the confrontation--my sister's response and my response were very different, for example. My mother's reaction was different. Alan's reaction was quite surprising. But because everyone in the film reacted honestly to themselves, I think you see how complicated the issue of sexual abuse really is in SO MANY ways, and maybe even glimpses into why it's that complicated. As human beings, we want black and white answers to cling to. And they usually aren’t there. So when audiences see the film, and they are angry or frustrated or touched, all at once, they have to deal with that conflict because it’s real. In the specific, it's impossible to deny the truth. And that's what makes the film successful to me. It forces us to deal with the grays, which in turn increases our understanding if we're paying attention. And my greatest thrill is being there as people have come out of screenings arguing and talking about the film, sometimes for hours, with the exact conflicts you referred to earlier. How do we mitigate those feelings of anger and love and pity and empathy and hurt and fear, and, and, and...? It's about being human. And it's tough.

Great. And excited, and surprised. It was my first film and I saw all of its flaws before getting into or going to any festivals. And you get scared--what if I’ve made a flop? What if people don't get it? And, because it was like my child, I of course adored it and believed in it and hoped for the greatest success ever. I was so surprised to win the award at Florida that I literally didn’t stand up and kept looking around. The next day I flew to San Jose and when they started announcing the win, I just kept thinking, don’t get too expectant, don’t hope too much. Then they said "Awful Normal" and I practically jumped out of my seat and ran up. I felt ridiculous, but it really is so overwhelming and thrilling. And in both places there were rooms filled with people applauding, and does it get any better than that? I just am so grateful to everyone who has supported the film from festival staff, to audiences, to skeptics, to friends, and on and on. People have been amazing. That support system can’t be understated.

Hmmm. I still wonder about the title "filmmaker." I like to claim it, but never aspired to it. And now I see how much I love it, and hopefully that some of my talents help me to do it well, I’d love to keep on. I have about six documentaries that I’d like to start now, most of them centering on people and their stories--ones that I find compelling because they are unique while at the same time reflecting issues that almost everyone goes through at some time--too many times--alone. So hopefully I’ll be able to get some funding for those. But nothing nearly as intense as Awful Normal. This film was very unique in that I knew the story immediately, didn’t have to wait around a lot for it to unravel, and had great, intimate access to people right away. I’ll take that as a blessing and will get better as a filmmaker on the next turn I think.